This is the end of the Depression Diary. It’s time to celebrate! Thank you all for your support, love, commitment and feedback. I couldn’t have done it without you. This is it.
A lot of people around me often don’t understand why I wake up tired. Or why I don’t enjoy the things in life that used to make me happy and gave my life purpose. For instance: I loved my job as a boarding stable owner, I worked hard but never complained because I loved it. I did it for ten years, but the last few years were pretty hard on me and surprisingly exhausting.
Now, after I transferred my stable to new owners and moved to another country where I work at a rescue, I am more tired than ever. How is this more exhausting then everything I did for the past years?
I couldn’t understand. I did it for ten years. I didn’t care if I had to get out of bed in the middle of the night, or at 6am on my day off. I didn’t think about it I just did it. With ups an downs, with fysical and mental challenges that may have exhausted me for a few days sometimes, but for some reason it was all worth it.
Now, I finally got a break from life and I can’t even get myself to do half of what I used to do on a daily basis. There are times I can’t even get out of bed. Don’t get me wrong, it’s nothing like waking up at the wrong side of the bed. Because most of the time I wake up happy. Because of where I live, the nice weather, the beautiful house that I can call home, my dogs sleeping near me and my husband right beside me. But the moment I sit up straight or think about the day that’s ahead of me, filled with obligations that I just don’t have the mental strength for, I feel like I’m falling down in that deep hole again.
I lose the urge to get out of bed, I can’t eat for at least another hour and the only thing I just desperately want is to go back to sleep and wake up when everything is better.
But it never get’s better, not like that and not in any other way. That’s how I feel. And I would be more OK with it if I just woke up, already feeling like that. Because I know what that’s like too, and it’s better in a way.
If you wake up already feeling defeated and disfunctional, after a few weeks you’ll somehow give up the fight that’s in your head and make peace with the fact that you probably won’t be coming out of bed for at least a couple more hours. And when you do, you won’t be much use to anybody either so why bother giving it a try at all. You’ll settle for it, all of it.
But when you wake up every day with hope and faith and plans for the day or ideas for your job and thèn you feel like shit; it’s worse. It’s exhausting because you wake up every day with hope and a bright mind and all of the sudden, that same mind brings you down again; you’ve lost another battle. Without even having a real chance of fighting because you’re already so tired.
So at one point you kinda wish you won’t wake up like that the next morning. Because it’s easier to wake up and not to have to fight another battle with yourself first thing in the morning. Somehow it feels better, waking up and instantly feel and realize that you won’t be anywhere near productive or social or busy that day.
And that’s the only thing I can make peace with right now.
One Year Later
Looking back, I can’t believe the battles I’ve won. I won the freaking War!!! So, I’m celebrating. I’m back in my hometown for a few weeks, surrounded by friends and family, feeling happy, alive and loved again.
Thank you for letting me share my journey with you, I hope you gained something from it. May it help you heal, grow and lift your spirit to the highest possible vibration ❤